How to Become a Fat Cat in 10 Easy Steps
A Guide to Living Large and Hoarding Wealth
Are you tired of watching others live in opulence while you slave away in the rat race?
Ever wondered how you, too, could ascend the gilded heights of wealth, indulgence, and unchecked power?
Look no further! Today, we’ve laid out the ultimate guide to help you achieve that oh-so-dreamy life as a “Fat Cat” in just 10 easy steps. Grab your monocle, adjust your top hat, and let’s dive into the world of excess, indulgence, and oh-so-slightly questionable ethics.
Step 1: Inherit Riches (Or Marry Someone Who Did)
Let’s be honest—hard work is for chumps. Why toil away when there’s an easier route to riches? If you weren’t lucky enough to inherit a fortune, find yourself a wealthy spouse or a convenient inheritance loophole. As the old saying goes, “Why start from scratch when you can start from someone else’s success?”
Step 2: Embrace Financial Gymnastics
Once you’ve got a taste of wealth, it’s time to start protecting it… by avoiding taxes, of course. Offshore accounts, shell corporations, and tax havens aren’t just for Bond villains; they’re essential tools for the modern Fat Cat. Remember, nothing screams “responsible citizen” like contributing to society as little as legally possible. After all, every dollar saved is a dollar you can spend on your next private jet.
Step 3: Prioritize Personal Comfort Above All Else
Now that your finances are secure (well, offshore), it’s time to upgrade your lifestyle. Remember: if it doesn’t sparkle, scream luxury, or require staff to operate, it’s probably not worth it. Forget about utility; focus on aesthetics. Gold-plated toilet? Check. Private island with a golf course? Double-check. Live the life that Instagram influencers can only dream of, and leave practicality to the peasants.
Step 4: Hoard, Hoard, and Hoard Some More
Why share when you can hoard? Accumulate properties, invest in art you’ll never look at, and corner the market on any resource that’s even remotely useful. Not only does this increase your wealth, but it also limits access for everyone else—win-win! Scarcity is, after all, the hallmark of exclusivity.
Step 5: Master the Art of “Trickle-Down” Logic
People love a good narrative, so keep everyone happy by repeating the time-honored myth of “trickle-down economics.” Sure, history and data might not back you up, but details like “facts” and “truth” are overrated in the world of the Fat Cat. Just keep smiling and assure the masses that your immense wealth will eventually benefit them… somehow. Maybe.
Step 6: Create Buzzwords to Justify Your Choices
Whenever the peasants—I mean, the general public—start complaining, it’s time to bring out the buzzwords. Use terms like “job creator,” “wealth generator,” and “self-made success” to paint yourself as the benevolent benefactor of society. Never mind that most jobs you create are low-wage or that your “self-made” status had a little help from wealthy relatives. It’s all about the image!
Step 7: Downplay the Plight of “Regular People”
When people start talking about poverty, lack of healthcare, or housing insecurity, look surprised. Shocked, even. Offer a vague smile and suggest they “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” If that doesn’t work, shrug it off as “a personal responsibility issue.” Remember, empathy is a slippery slope, and too much of it can ruin your vibe.
Step 8: Surround Yourself with Other Fat Cats
You are who you associate with, so surround yourself with other wealthy, influential individuals who share your disdain for taxes and passion for luxury yachts. Networking is key to staying at the top, and nothing strengthens social bonds like collectively scoffing at affordable healthcare and reminiscing about the days when wealth was properly admired.
Step 9: Sponsor the Occasional Charity Event (For Appearances)
While you may not believe in sharing your wealth, occasional philanthropy is essential for appearances. Sponsoring a charity event here or there, particularly one with your name on it, keeps people from thinking you’re just an overfed egomaniac. Remember, a tax-deductible donation that doubles as PR is the definition of a win-win!
Step 10: Make Sure Everyone Knows You Deserve It
Finally, the golden rule of Fat Cat-dom: Make sure everyone around you knows you earned this lifestyle. Wax poetic about your early struggles (even if they were non-existent), your “brilliant financial mind,” and your “unique ability” to capitalize on loopholes. Make sure to remind the world that if they, too, had your skills and “hard work,” they could achieve the same success.
Living Large and Loving It
Congratulations! If you follow these steps, you’ll be well on your way to joining the elite, overindulged, and happily oblivious Fat Cats of the world. Sure, you may occasionally get side-eyes from the masses and be criticized by the more conscientious crowd, but that’s just the price of success (don’t worry; it’s one of the few prices you actually pay).
In the end, remember that wealth is best enjoyed when hoarded, your comfort is paramount, and the only true goal is to keep growing that fortune… no matter how many regular folk are left in the dust. Cheers to the good life!
Want more information? Check out “Trickle-Down Economics?” Subscribe now and don’t miss a thing!
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Hi, I'm Cheryl. On a warm summer day at 42, I realized that I am my own answer to life, the universe, and everything (thanks, Douglas Adams). Like a phoenix, I rose from my life's ashes, embracing the uniqueness of my neurodivergent brain. It’s these differences that have made me a successful business consultant for over 20 years. Here I am, world, in all my brooding gothy darkness, riding a sparkling rainbow unicorn.
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